Hi Nanny.
It’s been four years.
The longest four years of my life.
So much has happened, so much you’ve missed. So much that I wish that you were still here for.
I’ve put this off for so long because even now, I don’t know how to process that you’re actually gone.
I finally graduated college. YAY. I planned to come see you after I finished my last class in my cap and gown. But you didn’t make it until then.
Sometimes I get so angry thinking about it. If only you had lasted one more week. Just one more. I wanted to show you that everything you sacrificed did not go in vain.
I wish I got to be there with you to hold your hand when you transitioned. But honestly I think the way it happened was for the best for me and everyone else mentally. I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle it.
Because I wasn't there, the problem I’m having now is that I just don’t believe it. I know it’s been four years. I know that I can no longer call you and hear your message on your answering machine because the number is now disconnected.
I know that I can no longer call you and tell you everything that I’ve been up to. Like I became a nurse. In the ICU! You would’ve loved that.
I’m a travel nurse now. You would’ve loved that even more. You always told me to travel and see the world and to never worry about you. You told me you had lived and seen enough.
But I don’t think that’s true. You didn’t get to see me graduate. You didn't get to see me live the dreams that you dreamt up for me.
You poured so much into me. All I ever wanted to do was pour the same amount into you when I could. I so wished that I would be able to still call you when I finally became an adult to ask you for advice. Like how to make your sweet potato pie, what to do about the boys I’m dating, or just simply to hear your voice.
I would give ANYTHING to hear your voice one more time. Just once.
You told me to never be sad when you passed away because you would be on to a better place. But it’s so hard to grasp that fact that any place could possibly be better than here on earth with me.
So to catch you up, yes, men are a waste of time. You were always right about that. Being single has been the best thing that I’ve ever done for myself.
Yes, mom beat cancer! AS YOU KNEW SHE WOULD.
Yes, I am a travel nurse, I’ve been to Texas two times, Atlanta, California two times, St. Louis and Indiana. Who knows where the next place will be. Everywhere I go, I think of you.
Yes, I still have my precious baby Cleo. She’s been my rock. I think there’s a reason for that.
Mom and I are trying our best to maintain our relationship. We’re doing a good job.
And yes, I think about you every. single. day. You were my peace and happiness when there was no place for peace or happiness in my life. You were my rock, my first best friend, my literal everything. You taught me so much.
Like how to love unconditionally. How to kill folks with kindness. Always stay true to yourself. Never leave the house without earrings in. Most importantly, to just be happy.
Unfortunately ever since you passed I’ve had a lot of trouble with the last part. A lot of my happiness came from you. When you passed, that piece went with you. I’m struggling every day to get it back. To find myself again.
So yes, lastly, heaven did in fact gain an angel, as did I, the best guardian angel there is. But in the process I lost myself. But I know that one day I will find myself again.
But until then, I love you. I miss you. Keep sending me signs that you’re here with me please. I appreciate them more than you’ll ever know.
When I’m not awake, I’m still with you.
But all of a sudden when the sun comes up I see the truth.
I wish I could sleep forever.
So we can be together, always.
And I don’t wanna be alone.
So my eyes are staying closed.
If dreamin’ is what keeps us tethered..
I wish I wish
That I could sleep forever
- Sleep Forever by Hannah Mrozak
Until next time,
Lavender.